An Introvert’s Musings on Becoming Independent

Becoming an independent woman is not about money, career choices and success. It is also not about being brave and strong-willed. It is a lot more than that.

There is this life that I have now gotten used to - my mother describes me as a ‘mole’.

[Those small mammals that have fully adapted to a subterranean habitat.] Moles live in burrows, breathe better underground, and are mostly solitary.

Jokes apart, that is a reasonably accurate description of my life.

A writer's tools!

A typical day has me scuttling from room to room, within my flat. I pick up things from here (e.g. bedroom), arrange them out there (my study), sometimes I change my mind in between. Those things are akin to my toolbox – a carefully curated pencil case, a little black notebook and my beautifully-illustrated 2021 Ink Bucket planner. When required I shall head to the kitchen for some nourishment.

Some Netflix, YouTube, art experiments or a book is sufficient entertainment, when there is no Work to do.

And if I can avoid stepping out of the confines of my own home, for all the mundane occurrences of life and socialisation, I usually will. Am an introvert and have always revelled in being one.

Between a partying crowd or a chai-time conversation with a friend– the obvious choice is the latter. Am unashamed to admit that aside from the inability to travel far and wide, this pandemic life is not the ‘new’ normal for me, it is just ‘normal’!

In Trevor Noah’s absorbing autobiographical tale Born a Crime: Stories from A South African Childhood, he mentions –

“I wasn’t a lonely kid—I was good at being alone. I’d read books, play with the toy that I had, make up imaginary worlds. I lived inside my head. I still live inside my head. To this day you can leave me alone for hours and I’m perfectly happy entertaining myself. I have to remember to be with people.”

When my mother read the book, one quiet afternoon last year, she called me to her and read this quote aloud. She then looked up at me and said “This is just like you, isn’t it?!”

This inherently introverted nature, combined with a uniquely nomadic upbringing has developed a few key personality traits. I am sensitive, solemn, quiet, and yet tenacious at times.

In a hetero-patriarchal construct, which is the world that I live in India today, women sometimes get categorised as ‘strong’, ‘stubborn’, ‘bold’, ‘opinionated’, ‘independent’, ‘difficult’ ‘self- sufficient’, ‘feminist’, interchangeably. Words, in this case – adjectives, can confuse you.

So, having often heard from peers, mentors and friends “You’re a strong personality” or “you are very opinionated” – it was an easy assumption to believe that I have always been an independent woman.

A few days ago, I sat myself down to pen down ideas and contemplate the future of my blog. My laptop, notebook, pens and related paraphernalia were right there and I was all geared to work with a single-minded determination. Naturally, I fell into this YouTube vortex where, whatever I end up watching is always “somewhat relevant”. That is the phrase that justifies procrastination.

But I did stumble upon something.

On 3rd August, 2021 – Amazon Prime released a movie trailer of Cinderella. I opened it with trepidation, thinking – Do we really need another Cinderella movie?

But colour me surprised and ecstatic. It seems to be different.

This is a Cinderella who “fancies herself a businessman”. She wants to make a life for herself. She wants to attend the ball to showcase her dress that she designed herself, and reveals it to the Queen with pride. She asks her Fabulous Godmother if there is any way to make the glass shoes more comfortable. And when the Prince tells her – “I pick you to be my princess!” –she responds with the Realest. Question. Ever– “What about my work?”

I will of course need to watch the movie- but so far, it hit all the right notes.

There is a trend observed in the last decade where we have seen the remake of the classics and the fairytales to weave in more feminist narratives. Some of them have left me disappointed, but this one has got me really hopeful. Fingers crossed!

Because for me, Cinderella is the ultimate fairytale. To have a Cinderella who is trying to be financially independent and her own hero – we just need more of this story across all our screens. I believe that it will cast a long shadow on young female minds of the present and future generations.

After watching that trailer and then realising that 15th August, the date I upload this essay is India’s 75th Independence Day – the idea of “independence” continued to live inside my head.

I kept wondering, who is an independent woman? More significantly, am I really one?

Barely three months ago, my life could just happen without a design or purpose. Now all my scurrying about and cocooned existence is targeted to a definite outcome. Predominantly towards writing this blog every fortnight. Making sure that I progress on the various online courses that I have signed up *cough* or paid for. Overall, wanting to go to bed every night with a single feeling of having accomplished/done something, a little more than yesterday.

If I compare this version of me to that of 2 years prior – I flipped 180 degrees. The world changed between 2019 and 2021. As have I. The perceptible change is from being a married and career-oriented working professional, am now divorced and *seemingly* unemployed. It is easy to dismiss me as a failure in certain circles of vicious gossip.

And yet, there is a singularity that describes the imperceptible change in me – am divorced, career status undefined, but am becoming an independent woman now.

Onward now - Do I deserve a pat-on-the-back?

Let me clarify here – this essay is not about giving myself a little pat-on-the-back. Instead, am trying to decipher why this feeling and belief evaded me before.

As I mentioned before, I have always been good at being alone. And unlike Cinderella, my financial status is secure– despite my current work, it remains more or less preserved.

So, what was missing before? And why am I still at a stage of becoming rather than just being independent?

Independent (adjective) is broadly defined as not dependent.

- Free; not subject to another’s control or a larger affiliation

- Not contingent; not requiring or relying on something else

- Not requiring or relying on others (as for care or livelihood) or being free enough from the necessity of working for a living

- Not subject to bias or influence, self-directing

- Separate from; exclusive; irrespective

Those sub-definitions are packed with layered meanings and must be interpreted in context. So, let us explore this further by adding the specificity of personhood. Because then follow some necessary caveats and clauses.

By and large, an independent person has three distinct attributes:

• When it comes to a sense of self and their livelihoods, they do not rely on the opinions of others;

• When it comes to asking for help, they will not hesitate to do so when they need it, but they know that people do not owe them assistance, and;

• An independent person accepts and is receptive to constructive criticism.

All of the above are easy enough to understand. But honestly, they are hard to imbibe in practice, all the time and in every context.

As I reflect on my past , I acknowledge that I do have a strong sense of self. But when it boiled down to the people I am closest to or admire greatly, I was a people-pleaser. I chose to believe that those I am closest to will have my best interests at heart. Unfortunately, that was not always true.

E.g. With regard to my career - my family had gently guided me in a different direction than what I had wanted. And they rightly believed that it was for my own good. What ended up happening was, overtime, I resented it – not my family though, but their influence on a decision that ought to have been mine to make. I was afraid of being held accountable if my own choices had failed.

Am finally doing something I want to do – and now see that becoming independent entails making hard choices and consequently taking ownership of the outcome – whether good or bad – entirely.

On asking for help, but understanding that no one owes me assistance – that was a BIG Lesson.

Firstly, I erroneously believed that being independent means never asking for help. That would make me a dependent and needy woman, right? I was alarmingly wrong there.

The fact is, an independent woman simply cannot and will not do everything, all the time, by herself. It took some terrible mistakes for me to learn that resolving my problems includes asking for help when I really need it.

And secondly, asking for help also involves a reminder that no one owes me assistance.

When someone cannot help, an independent woman will step into the other person’s shoes to understand why, dust themselves off and still move forward.

That lesson came from the then unprecedented Pan-India Lockdown of 2020 when I was entirely alone for over 100 days straight. My domestic help, Geeta whom I heavily relied on to be a functional human being could not come in because my society had shut it gates. After ensuring she was paid in full, I had to learn how to cook (finally!), declutter and clean my house like never before. Am embracing minimalism now, because those days taught me that if I am unable or unwilling to clean it myself – I just should not have it!

Finally, becoming independent implies becoming a better listener and conceding to kind and constructive criticism. Being open to the critiques of those who want to help me implies that I am confident in my independence.

For me, this is like walking a tight-rope. It necessitates identifying the difference between an irrelevant opinion and a piece of constructive criticism. And it also requires figuring out the person’s intent and motives. I wish I had some tricks up my sleeve to unravel this process – but the truth is, am still learning this almost every hour of every day, especially as I embark on this journey of writer/blogger/content creator.

Am in my corner - literally!

All my thoughts here reflect and consider becoming independent for independence’s sake. And that is just it – a becoming; a feedback loop, a journey.

Am nowhere close to a destination and truthfully, am content in not knowing where these insights and lessons shall take me.

Like I said before, I am getting there.

REFERENCES:

• Noah, T. (2019). Born a Crime: Stories from a South African Childhood (Reprint ed.). One World.

• A.P.V. [Amazon Prime Video]. (2021, August 3). Cinderella - Official Trailer| Prime Video [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/T1NeHRuPpoM

• Psych2Go. (2020, August 17). 5 Signs You’re An Independent Person [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/z_uPONb4RIQ

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Thank you for reading!

Do you think you are an independent person? Do you agree or disagree with me here?

I would love to hear your thoughts on independence, strength, and solitude and how they play out in your lives. Do let me know in the comments below!